Do you ever struggle with knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no”? Everywhere I turn there is more information educating us on how to say no. Hmm…instead, let’s turn that idea on it’s head and concentrate on setting our healthy boundaries around “YES”! “What? Huh?”
Photo courtesy of David Marcu
What do I mean by that? How can saying yes when you’ re so overwhelmed work? Well keep reading and I’ll show you…
Most of us have the same story these days…too many commitments and too little time. What to do?
As a bit of a pleaser, I sometimes struggle with saying no to people. I prefer not to disappoint, but I’ve been around the block enough to know, that pushing myself beyond my limits is bad for everyone involved.
Just about any self-help book will tell you that learning to say no, is key to surviving in life as a pleaser. And if you’re like me, you’ve probably read plenty of them. I’d never found a process that really worked for me – that is until recently.
“If you know what to say YES to,
then the NO is decided for itself.”
The Yes Method
It’s no secret to those who know me well, that having time to myself is necessary for both my sanity and my job. Keeping my personal appointments of sacred time and space is extremely important. Fair to say, that keeping this commitment to myself has become easier as I’ve aged. But the real turning point around honoring my boundaries came when I stopped fighting through the “no”, and started using the “yes method”.
Making a plan around what I’m going to say yes to is far easier than figuring out the no. The yes leads me to enjoyment and empowerment. I am able to focus on what the good will be versus problem-solving how I’m going to manage the disappointment of others. “Yes” is way more fun. Sounds good right?
How Does It Work?
Step 1 – Visualize The Life You Want
Spend a short 3-5 minutes visualizing how you would like your life to look. Tap into the specific feelings that you will experience with that life – happy, balanced, organized, peaceful, not rushed, etc. How will you spend your time? What are the types of activities that make you happy? Be honest with yourself as you go through this process.
Don’t worry about the logistics for now. This question is an exercise in bringing more of what you want into your life, not about eliminating everything you don’t. It’s designed to help you know what your personal “yes” is all about.
The reality is that we can’t remove all the activities we don’t want to do because life has some responsibilities that are non-negotiable. However, you can add more of what you do love, and say no to the commitments that don’t align with your vision.
Step 2 – The Big Reveal, When To Say Yes
If you know what to say yes to, then the no is decided for itself. (Well that seems easy – and it is!)
The 5 statements below will help you to determine when to say “yes”.
If you are able to confirm “yes that is true” to the statements, then saying yes to the request or commitment is aligned with your life vision.
Here’s how it works. Envision the request and say to yourself “It is true that…I will enjoy doing it.”. If that resonates as truth, you are on the right track. Do this with each of the 5 statements.
“It is true that…”
- I will enjoy doing it.
- I can reasonably fit it into my schedule.
- I’m currently feeling balanced and grounded with my existing schedule.
- It sets a precedent that I’m comfortable with going forward.
- I will be the person that I want to be before, during and after.
Step 3 – Uh Oh, It’s Not True That…
If you can’t say “it is true that…” to all 5 statement then you will need to reassess just how much you are compromising if you do say yes. This doesn’t mean that you can’t say yes to the request. Instead, consider rescoping it so that it better aligns with your life vision.
Here’s an example. Let’s say that you’ve made working out four times per week a priority, but your social calendar has taken a hit because of it. Why not consider working out with friends that you might normally meet for tea or a cocktail? Taking a walk is an option that allows you to keep your priority of working out, but doesn’t keep you from the social time that you enjoy so much. You remain aligned to your life vision.
Saying Yes To The Yes Method
The Yes Method is likely a shift in your thinking, but it’s well worth the effort. Consider the self-inflicted misery we cause ourselves when overcommitting. It’s no fun, and generally we end up taking that misery out on others in some fashion, consciously or unconsciously. None of us wants to be that person. Staying true to ourselves isn’t always the easier path at first, but once you get the hang of it the benefits compound quickly.
We all learn and grow from one another, so please drop me a line in the comment section. Let us know what you think of the Yes Method. Better yet, try it and share the results with us.
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