Do you consider kindness to be one of your guiding principles? If it is, are you consistent, or only when it’s convenient? And what I mean by this question is…are you kind when it’s easy AND when it’s difficult frustrating or in opposition to your personal agenda?

These are questions that I’ve been asking myself lately from both a personal and a professional standpoint.

Kindness ~ The quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.

The Definition of Kindness

When I read the definition above, I immediately say to myself, “friendly and considerate, no problem, I got that”. Attitude and outlook I can handle. Yes, I may be swallowing my pride sometimes, but completely doable. Generous is where I get a little stumped. The meaning of generous usually means giving more of something, like time or money. Some days this is very possible, but 0n others it seems impossible.

And on the days that it is impossible, does that mean that I’m not living up to my principle of kindness?

When It’s Not Possible

If you have a history of being a people pleaser “not possible” may be particularly challenging for you. Today I would say that I fall right in the middle. Certain scenarios trigger my pleaser, but there are others where I’ve done the internal work necessary to keep healthy boundaries. For the times when my pleaser is triggered I try to step back and ensure that I’m being kind to both myself and others. The being kind to myself is key here. This means participating in the act of kindness without guilt or resentment. If either of these emotions is or has the potential to arise, then I know that I’m not truly acting out of kindness. And that I’m compromising myself and my boundaries.

Guilt and Resentment ~ What To Do

If you find after stepping back that you’re acting out of guilt or will have resentment later, then reassessing the situation is a must. Is it possible to meet the request without feeling guilt or resentment with slight adjustments? If so, then great. Make the adjustments and move forward.

Your kindness still remains genuine even with the adjustments, and is also acting in kindness to yourself. So perfect. If your answer is no, then you will need to spend a bit more time in reflection before taking action.

A Solution For The “No” ~ Reframing

For the pleasers I can already feel the tension in your body as you begin to read this paragraph. But take heart- there is a solution. Reframing the situation.

Reframe Tip #1 ~ Focus on friendly and considerate

Being kind doesn’t mean that you give each person exactly what they’ve ask of you. Let’s revisit the definition of kindness – the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. If you’re like me and able to master the friendly and considerate, put your focus there when planning your no. You will be hard pressed to find a person who would rather be spoken to in a rude and abrupt manner versus respectfully and pleasantly even if you are in disagreement or refusing to do what they have asked. Being honest with yourself and the other individual about what you are not willing to do can be done with kindness as well.

Reframe Tip #2 ~ Be honest even if it’s hard

And here comes a further reframe – by being honest and forthright you are actually being generous of yourself. Yes, it’s the right thing to do, but it takes courage. You have a reason why you are saying “no”. Be clear about that reason with yourself. Remember if you act from guilt or feel resentment it’s not true authentic kindness. Delivery does count, so keep that in mind. It’s also helpful to remember that you shouldn’t feel the need to provide more explanation than necessary. You are holding to your boundaries in partnership with acting in kindness. This is what is best for both parties.

5 Elements of Kindness Checklist

The Five Elements of Kindness Checklist is another method that can helpful when you question whether or not you are authentically living the principle of kindness. You can apply these elements to personal or business situations. Simply ask yourself the questions regarding each element as it relates to your scenario.

1. Respect

• Are both your actions and your words respectful?

2. Honesty

• Are you being honest within yourself?
• Are you being honest with the individual?

3. Intention

• Examine your intentions.
• What is driving you to your decisions and action?

4. Flexibility

• Have you been flexible in regard to the situation?
• Are you certain that there aren’t any adjustments that might help you act with more kindness toward yourself or others?

5. Patience

• Possibly the most difficult of the five.
• Are you acting in a timely manner?

 

What’s your personal definition of kindness? How do you ensure that your words and actions are kind? Do you believe that being kind is important? Share your thoughts with us below in the comments section.

If you propose to speak, always ask yourself,

is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?

– Buddha

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