You aren’t listening to me! An accusation that we’ve no doubt heard when our attention is somewhere other than on the person in front of us. Guilty as charged. And yes, no matter how great your reputation of being a good listener, we all do it sometimes. Especially when the stakes are high and conflict is in the air.

On flip side – you’ve probably been a recipient of less than stellar listening a time or two. Perhaps when someone has been more invested in a text, the latest episode of what’s popular on Netflix or just in disagreement with what you were saying. So what goes around comes around.

Consider how many times you’ve felt slighted because someone didn’t give you direct eye contact when you were speaking. Or just couldn’t put their phone down because they might miss that oh so important text message. It probably happens more than you realize. And likely you’re doing it almost as frequently to others. Unfortunately, this seems to have become the new norm. The world is in such a rush these days, that we’ve convinced ourselves that the next moment is far more important than the current moment.

With all that great news about listening and relationships –  what do you do?

Could mindful listening be an answer?

“Mindful listening is the essence of receptivity.”

~Frances Hennessey

 

What Is Mindful Listening?

Being a better listener may well be the most important principle of good communication. So you can’t you go wrong by sharpening up your skill just a tad. That’s for sure.

What exactly is mindful listening though?

Simply put mindful listening is defined as being fully present when interacting with others instead of…multitasking, rehashing your to-do list mentally or even thinking about your next response.

How To Do It?

Let’s take a quick backtrack to the definition of mindfulness per the father of mindfulness himself Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Mindfulness means:

• paying attention in a particular way
• on purpose
• in the present moment
• non-judgmentally

Kind of abstract right? Let’s take a look at some simple examples of how mindful listening might look when done well.

1. Your nonverbal ques let the speaker know you are invested in their commentary.
2. You ask questions instead of offering advice.
3. You pause before speaking.
4. You allow the person to finish their sentences.
5. You do not, under any circumstances, check your phone.

Not too tough to accomplish with some effort and intention. And you already know this, but a little goes a long way. Becoming more attentive and showing genuine interest can literally save a relationship – work or personal.

From my perspective mindful listening is driven more by intention than skill. Most of us can be good listeners if we want to – sometimes we just need a reminder or a good reason.

“The world is in such a rush these days,

that we’ve convinced ourselves that the next moment

is far more important than the current moment.”

 

Why Should I Bother?

This will require effort on your part, but what are the benefits?

• Improved relationships across the board
• More collaboration amongst others (both work and family)
• Gives you more time – eliminates the need to repeat conversations or instructions
• Your world is happier when others feel appreciated and respected
• You’ll retain more information
• Others will view you as more competent and capable
• Your self-confidence will increase

The list goes on and on…

“Becoming more attentive and showing genuine interest

can literally save a relationship – work or personal.”

 

Come On, You Have Nothing To Lose

In your next conversation today give mindful listening a shot. It could be as simple as putting your phone face down on the table and pausing before you speak.

Personalize it – what do you need to do to become  a better listener?

You’ll be surprised at the difference it makes in the quality of the exchange. And, in how you’ll feel afterwards. Plus by modeling the behavior, others just might pick up on it. Mindful listening all around!

Extra Stuff – More Mindful Listening Tips

For more tips to use as you develop your own mindful listening strategy take a look at the list below from from The Art and Practice of Mindful Listening by Theo Koffler.

• Put aside your physical distractions (e.g. cell phone, computer, tv remote, etc.)
• Be honest with yourself. If you aren’t able to focus at one moment, pick another time to have the conversation.
• Ask open-ended questions to encourage dialogue.
• Let the other person share their full thoughts rather than finishing his or her sentences.
• Paraphrase back what you heard to clarify if it is what the speaker meant.
• Take a mindful breath before responding. Pausing works to your advantage.
• Be patient and don’t jump to conclusions.
• Notice when your mind wanders and direct your attention back to the speaker.
• Listen to your intuition by noticing your feelings, thoughts, and body sensations as they arise.
• Pay attention to the clues beyond the words (e.g. speaker’s tone and body language).
• Listen with a willingness to understand the other person’s point of view.
• Set an intention to listen mindfully.

And one more good resource worthy of a look is The Skill of Mindful Listening.

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