Dealing with difficult people is no treat for any of us. It can be challenging, draining and just plain unpleasant. Sometimes after the interaction is over, I wonder if it was even worth my time and effort. Was there really any value or positive outcome from the conversation?

Photo courtesy of Daryn Bartlett

The Toxicity Trigger

This topic came up recently in a conversation I was having with a coaching client. How do we deal with these types of toxic people? We all have them in our social circles be it friends, co-workers or family. There is no way around it.

My client’s personal trigger was negativity. Having to interact with someone who is either a chronic complainer, the victim or harshly judgmental of others can certainly be tough to swallow. And while none of us is completely innocent of this type of behavior ourselves, it’s our own self-awareness that will keep us out of the dreaded category of “difficult person”.

Manage Your Reactions and Actions

From my perspective self-awareness is the key and begins with recognizing and then managing our own reactions and actions. Strategizing about these types of situations before they happen, can be exceptionally helpful and effective. Knowing how you might react and then planning instead a “conscious action”, prepares you for the conversation. This move gives you more influence over a positive outcome – meaning you will feel less emotional, discouraged and controlled by the interaction.

Seven Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People

1. Self-awareness is king.

I said it once, and I will say it again. Self-awareness is king. Knowing ourselves gives us the ability to become more objective and take the behaviors of others less personally. Difficult people automatically stir up our emotions. So the more you understand what’s happening within yourself, the better chance you have of stepping out the “negative dialogue dance” with the other person.

2. Identify your own triggers.

The difficult person scenario gives you an opportunity to identify your triggers and manage them differently in the future. Knowing what sets you off provides you with a new level of personal empowerment. Over time you will become more aware of your triggers and the patterns associated with them. You will then have the knowledge to see the trigger coming before it happens, regardless of the scenario, and take necessary precautions.

3. Act instead of react.

When coming up against difficult people we tend to react with an emotional response versus a mindful conscious action. Increasing self-awareness and recognizing your triggers gives you the ability to choose your actions.  This ultimately leads to a different, more positive outcome for all parties involved.

4. Pre-plan your topics of conversation.

Anticipating conversation topics ahead of time gives you a leg up on the conversation. Directing the discussion away from negative subjects and complaining takes some effort on your part, but can prevent the negativity cycle from starting altogether. Having topics that you are comfortable discussing in your back pocket, allows you to have more clarity and focus during the conversation, ensuring that it stays on the right track.

5. Look at it differently from the start.

I know that you probably don’t want to hear this…but difficult people are the best teachers. We know that it’s true and denying it won’t make it any less a truth. They give us pause to look inside ourselves. This in turn helps us to set clearer boundaries and make better decisions about our own behavior. Taking a moment to reflect on the value of this prior to interactions can bring about a change in energy for the good.

6. Show them the love.

We’ve talked a lot about proactive management. But how about in the moment? Being mindful, aware and present for the individual shows them a kindness and compassion that on a deeper level is a real need. In fact their own inability to show kindness and compassion to themselves is probably the reason they act the way they do. Don’t assume that this means that you are compromising your boundaries. Kindness and compassion come from your heart. If you find it difficult to stay in this space during the conversation, take a few moments before the interaction to send this energy toward the person. It will help ground you in this mindset, and bring you into the conversation with more clarity and focus, leading to a positive outcome.

7. Steer clear altogether.

There are times when a difficult person just becomes too much and we are forced to make the tough decision to steer clear of them altogether. And yes, this may come with consequences – changing jobs, ending a long-term friendship or choosing a new hobby. A less permanent solution is to limit the amount of time spent with the individual. Decide what you are willing to give and then hold true to yourself on that decision and boundary.

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